The Star War Character Guide

(I don't even know man, just pretend it's funny.)

• Liar Organic: Princess of the universe and a secret Allied commander.
• R-We-Ther-Yet: Liar's pet trashcan who swears so much that all his lines are censored.
• Pino-Grigio: Liar's robot slave butler, also R-We's best friend and interpreter.
• Link Spaceheater: Young orphan boy from Tattooland who works on his grumpy uncle's farm, growing water.
• Aunt Valoo: Link's friendly and dead aunt.
• Uncle Ocean: Link's grumpy and also dead uncle.
• Oldie-One Cannoli: A former space wizard who changed his name to Bean Cannoli and became a creepy old bum living in the hills of Tattooland. He taught Link's father space magic when he was young.
• Tungsten Riders: A band of evil cowboys who terrorize the water farms of Tattooland.
• Invalid Spaceheater: Link's dad who learned space magic then turned evil after Oldie-One cut all his limbs off.
• Daft Visor: Invalid's new identity as an evil space wizard. He's part robot because he lost his real limbs and wears a dark visor to hide his ugly face.
• Juan Pollo: A galactic Mexican drug lord who likes to shoot people. He owns a flying saucer called the Multiplication Function.
• Chunky: Juan's pet grizzly bear.
• Guido: A pirate that Juan shot.
• Grandma Tarzan: A Nazi who controls the Killball. He really wants the instruction manual for it back.
• Porky Pig: An Allied pilot who crashed.
• Orlando Kardashian: Another space drug dealer who took over a flying town. He was friends with Juan Pollo until he turned him into a statue.
• Mister Soda: A garden gnome who is secretly the best space wizard ever. He lives by himself on the mush planet of Dingleberry.
• Bubble Tea: A missionary who tries to convert Juan Pollo and is actually evil.
• Attila the Hun: The slug king of Tattooland who got ripped off by Juan Pollo and had him turned into a statue.
• Emperor Pumpernickel: King of the Nazis and secretly an evil space wizard. He also goes by the name Daft Silverstein.
• Flygon Jim: Oldie-One's dad who was also a space wizard until he died and became a ghost.
• J.J. Abrams: The lovable Gundam who was kicked out of the bubble city for being an annoying idiot, only to later become their king.
• Nasty: The frog king and ruler of the bubble city. He really wanted J.J. dead.
• Arnie Dollar: Queen of the planet Noob and Invalid's secret girlfriend until she died of a heart attack.
• Waldo: A pink elephant who ran an antique store on Tattooland. He was Invalid's dad.
• Sushi Spaceheater: Invalid's mom and the love of his life. She got eaten by the Tungsten Riders.
• Daft Punk: A devil that became an evil space wizard under Dank Silverstein. He killed Flygon Jim then fell down a hole and broke in half.
• Mister Window: A space wizard who taught at Space Hogwarts. His favorite color was purple.
• Count Dracula: A former space wizard who turned evil under Daft Silverstein and became known as Daft Tylenol. He died too.
• Jungle Tea: Another missionary and Bubble's dad. He was beheaded for his crimes against nature.
• General Greenpeace: King of the robots who had too many arms and died.
• Dexter Jettster: The most important character in the series.