Star Trek: Section 31 Review
(Please note that this review will contain spoilers, though frankly I hope no one is actually legitimately planning to watch this movie anyways.)
Speaking as someone who has seen all there is to see when it comes to Star Trek, I usually tend to be pretty generous and forgiving when it comes to my opinions on the various shows and movies. While I certainly have favorites and least favorites, I've always been one to advocate for watching everything and giving it all and fair shot regardless of the popular consensus. Of course the series has had its fair share of stinkers over the years, but I do genuinely believe that all the shows and movies have at least some redeeming qualities no matter how controversial the final product might be. Whether we're talking a badly received movie like Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Star Trek: Nemesis or Star Trek Into Darkness, a frequently written off season such as the third season of Star Trek: The Original Series or Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, or even an entire television series that attracts more negative opinions than positive such as Star Trek: Enterprise or Star Trek: Discovery, I've always advocated that new fans should watch them regardless, form their own opinions, and recognize that they all still have plenty of good material even in spite of the common fan consensus.
I don't think I can say this for Star Trek: Section 31.
For a bit of background, it's not exactly a secret that most fans of the franchise were not exactly thrilled when a Section 31 spinoff was originally pitched back in 2018, with the overall opinion typically floating somewhere between "disinterest" and "distain". These feelings only seemed to grow more negative with time, and even the announcement that the concept was being pivoted from a series to a movie did little to excite the Star Trek fandom or improve their expectations. I will admit even I had basically zero expectations for the movie going in, and only decided to watch it more out of obligation than out of any real desire to see it, but as with all the previous shows and movies I wanted to at least give it a fair chance and form my own opinions. It is still Star Trek after all, so how bad could it really be?
The answer, as it turns out, is really, really bad.
Whether I look at this movie from the perspective of a Star Trek fan, or simply as someone looking for a good action flick, there really isn't much good I can even say about it. Starting with the story, the writing somehow manages to be both barebones and overdone at the same time, throwing together a mix of characters you don't care about and ones you probably wish you didn't into a head-scratching adventure to stop poorly defined villains from using a soccer ball-sized macguffin to destroy the galaxy. How was this all-powerful soccer ball made? How did it get here? Why would anyone even want it? Who knows, these details apparently weren't important enough to address. The confusion is only amplified by the fact that the main plot isn't even introduced until nearly halfway through the film, with the first half being spent trying to make the audience pretend like they care about the main characters. Even if you ignore the confusing story, which is easier to do than it really should be, very little about this movie even felt like Star Trek. There are basically no meaningful story connections to the larger Star Trek universe, and no recognizable elements beyond a handful of reused props and sound effects. One could probably forget this was even intended to be a Star Trek film for the majority of its length, if not for the two main characters who previously appeared in other series.
Speaking of the characters, one can't talk about Section 31 without spending at least some time discussing the star of the show, former Terran Emperor Philippa Georgiou. Having originally appeared as a recurring character in Star Trek: Discovery, Section 31 catches us up with the character after her final appearance in Discovery's third season. Now, Georgiou was already something of a divisive character even in her original series, and even most fans of the character would probably tell you it's more because of Michelle Yeoh's portrayal than anything to do with her in-universe backstory or motivations. Trying to portray a borderline psychotic, ruthless and genocidal former dictator as a sympathetic figure and beloved member of Discovery's crew was always something of a head-scratching decision, and one which only arguably managed to work by having her serve as a foil against the more straight-laced, progressive Starfleet officers that made up the rest of Discovery's cast. Evidently the writers of this movie missed that aspect, as instead of countering Georgiou's questionably lovable psychopathy with traditional Starfleet ideals, her worst aspects are instead enabled and amplified by a supporting cast of insufferable lunatics.
Serving as the film's deuteragonist is the character Alok, who I must admit is probably the only character I actually cared even a little bit about aside from Georgiou. He's by far the most level headed character in the movie (which is admittedly a very low bar), and his backstory as a 20th century augment who was reluctantly drafted into the Eugenics Wars would have been a fascinating story to explore in its own right had it been established in literally any other Star Trek property. Unofrtunately this character was largely wasted, with his background going unexplored and his reasonably rational attitude being spent on trying to wrangle in the crew of merry idiots that make up the remainder of the cast. Filling out this band of psychopaths we have have an insufferable microscopic creature piloting a robot shaped like a Vulcan, an meatheaded cyborg, a shapeshifter who doesn't know when to shut up, and a bald woman who dies before she can ever do anything of note. I have literally nothing of value to say about any of these characters, as it felt like they only existed to spout one liners and make me resent their existence. Oh, there's also Rachel Garrett, the lone Starfleet representative in the movie who is allegedly meant to be the same character who goes on to become captain of the USS Enterprise 30 years before Picard in The Next Generation, though nothing of her behavior in this movie screamed "captain material" to me.
Throughout the movie I unironically found myself siding with the main villain more than any of the "heroes", if for no other reason than because he was actually able to articulate his feelings, desires and reasons for what he was doing. It also helped that I could listen to him talk for any amount of time without wanting to pull my hair out. This villain, San, was actually briefly introduced in Discovery, with his short appearance presumably meant to serve as a teaser for this movie. He's presented as Georgiou's former lover, who was tortured and forced into slavery after losing the contest for the Terran throne. After faking suicide, crossing from the mirror universe to the prime universe and somehow surviving an additional 70 years without aging (I think the writers forgot this movie was set 2/3 of a century after Discovery's first two seasons), he now wants to use the soccer ball of doom to destory Georgiou and everything she's grown to care about in the Prime universe, then take over her role as Emperor. Why the writers thought we would root for a genocidal ex-dictator and not her rebellious, quick-witted former slave and torture victim searching for revenge, I'll never know.
I could go on and on about this movie for hours if I really wanted to, going over every aspect of why the plot makes no sense, how the characters are terrible, why the villains are more likeable than the protagonists and so much more, but suffice to say Star Trek: Section 31 is just a bad movie whose only redeeming quality is finally giving fans a definitive answer to the formerly divisive question of which Star Trek film is the worst. From the perspective of a long time Star Trek fan, this film adds nothing of value to the Star Trek universe and fails to present any of the positivity or optimism for the future that the franchise is known for. There is basically nothing worthwhile to find in this movie, no good lines, no thoughtful commentary on the human condition, not even an enjoyably goofy adventure with fan favorite characters. All Star Trek: Section 31 has to offer is a meaningless, brain-dead plot, annoying one-liners, and a cast of insufferable heroes who somehow make you wish the antagonists had succeeded in killing everyone. I was only able to get through the movie by riffing on it with a group of friends, and I highly encourage anyone considering watching it to do the same.